Perfunctory, Half-Formed Opinions on Movies and Books

OK OK OK. So it’s been awhile since I last blogged. In the interest of being a more regular contributor, or rather, a contributor at all, K-Diddy and me (or is it I), P-Phunk (aka Based Child aka The White Falcon aka Pusha P aka P Dilla aka The PZA aka The White Pterodactyl aka The Human Philosoraptor) have decided to embark on  the 25/50 challenge. This is a variation of the 50/50 Challenge, something on Facebook that calls on people to read 50 books and see 50 movies this year. Well, me and K-Dawg decided to twist it to our own needs and made it the 25/50 challenge. I hardly ever read, and when I do I am slow, so there’s no way I’m reading 50 books in a year. I don’t think I’ve read 50 in my life. Movies I can handle. But I’m going to review movies I have already seen, because I am lazy, whereas K-Dawg will not. Largely because he is a 1-Upper.

I will be keeping an Excel spreadsheet of everything, so you know this is some serious shit.

Before getting to my reviews, what’s with the holier-than-thou attitude of some people who read a lot? Oh, you read, please go on about how intelligent you are. Oh, you don’t own a TV, you must be so much more cultured than the rest of us. Please tell me more!

Well, hopefully I end up just like them. I can move to Portland, shop at Whole Foods, complain about Republicans and tell everyone I only eat organic food. Consider this a first step in that direction. Without further ado, here are P-Phunk’s book and movie reviews, all 120 words or less, for your pleasure! Enjoy!

The Grey

I actually wanted to see Haywire, but the shitass movie theaters up here of course didn’t carry it. You know, since we’re 90 miles from Hollywood and all. That would be far too much to ask. Desperate to get out of the house, I decide to see this, despite not caring about dogs or mountains particularly. Anyway, I enjoyed it. It was darker than I thought it would be, PLUS it had a wicked awesome plane crash scene…er…if you’re into that sort of thing. Remember, I was the guy who was disappointed when I found out Faces of Death was fake.

Contraband

I went into this with high hopes since it was Marky Mark and a heist, how could you go wrong? Well, although it wasn’t awful, it was really slow. I am not that critical of a movie watcher, but even for me it lagged. For a movie that took itself so seriously, some parts strained credulity. It would be worth seeing on DVD, but not forking over your hard-earned dollars at the cinema. But yea, I did. I really wanted to see Haywire, but of course it wasn’t playing, and I needed some excuse to get out of the house.  

War Horse

This movie was aaaaaaaiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhtttttt. I’ve never been a horse or animal person, so I’m never going to care as much about a horse as I am the millions of people who died in World War I. Not that I want to see horses killed by mechanical warfare, I’m just saying it’s never going to connect with me. I’m sure a lot of squirrels died in World War I and nobody’s made a movie about them. Why do horses get such exalted status?

Mission Impossible 3

Not much to say on this one. It’s the brainless action movie I have gotten into over the last year or so. It meets your expectations, no more, no less, and I’m just fine with that.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

I actually saw the Swedish version with Spanish subtitles a couple of years ago when I was living in Spain (yes, I am better than you). I didn’t think the American version could match its brutality, but my homeboy David Fincher came correct. Rooney Mara did a great job inhabiting the role and Daniel Craig always puts in a good effort. I did think it weird that they sort of spoke with Scandinavian accents. Well, some of them did and some of them didn’t. And some began the movie with the accent and then lost it. Which made it weirder.

The Artist

I got around to seeing The Artist a bit late, thanks once again to the shitass cinemas here 90 miles from Hollywood. BECAUSE GOD FORBID YOU GET MILDLY ARTY MOVIES SO CLOSE TO LA. I think some of the critical praise is excessive. This is a nice novelty movie but nothing really, really amazing. Although I admit the lead guy, Jean Dujardin, was pretty brilliant. And I think I fell in love with the female lead, Berenice Bejo, as I am wont to do with French –Argentine girls. Then again, who couldn’t fall in love with them?

Book reviews! Or, Yes!, I Do Actually Read!

The Hunger Games

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. It’s a book for 13 year-old-girls. But I saw the trailer for the movie and it looked pretty ill and I have no friends where I live so I needed something to pass the time. ANYWAY, the book is super tightly well-written and a fun read. You can tell it’s a bit of a chicklit book because there’s like 30 pages devoted to the girl’s clothes and wardrobe staff. It was tough to get through that, but let’s face it, 33 year-old dudes weren’t what she was after. Irregardless, it was a fun read and I’m pretty psyched to see the movie.

Catching Fire (Book 2 of the Hunger Games)

We’re back to seeing our intrepid heroine rage against the machine. It’s wack in that it repeats some of the same elements of the first book, but I still really liked it. Kind of like in Star Wars when they were writing Return of the Jedi and were like, “Let’s do the Death Star again!” It’s not terribly original, but it is good. Except for the Ewoks, but I didn’t think they were all that bad when I was a kid. Anyway, although there was too much talk once again in the book about dresses and shit, it’s still good.

The Professor and the Madman

This was an ill book. It’s about this schizo American guy who killed some random dude in London and then got locked away with those insane asylum cats. But he was hella smart and when those intellectual cats started to write the Oxford English Dictionary, he made literally thousands of contributions. I am a bit of a etymology and history dork, so this book was right up my alley. Although, it was a bit shocking when, out of nowhere, there’s 10 pages devoted to the American guy cutting his dick off. I’m not kidding.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen! Expect more literary and insightful reviews as the project moves forward. As always, it’s been a pleasure, and the pleasure’s all yours.