E4 Presents: GET READY FOR HELL

Whenever the spirit moves him, friend of Three tha Hard Way E4 will chime in with his thoughts from the depths of suburbia. Please enjoy in moderation:


Get Ready For Hell

In the deepest, darkest reaches of my basement, behind the stairwell and beyond the last great divide, there stands a makeshift bookshelf. This bookshelf is laden with little bits of me in colorful plastic-covered boxes…. 294 of them to be exact. Every now and then, when nothing else is working for me, I move them around, and much like Yahweh, when I am done, I stand back and feel that all is good (and yes I just compared my rearranging of my DVD collection to separating Light/Dark, Earth/Sky, Land/Water and Pitt/Jolie).

This fledgling bookshelf holds some of the greatest films ever made, along with some of the best Awesome movies. Repetition you may think, but I disagree. See I consider a great Awesome movie one that entertains from start to finish, leaves a better feeling for having watched, and always welcomes the viewer back when becoming Frost-ianly acquainted with the night and TNT

Picture Jack Palance in an overly stiff cowboy hat and a mustache he made from an “Acme Instant Mustache” kit. Yes I’m referring to one of the opening scenes of “Young Guns.” One of the most awesome movies every made. Oversell you think? Complete hyperbole? Really? Well I have made a lifetime out of rationalizing thoughts and notions that don’t make sense. I’m not always convincing, but I try to be entertaining. Do me the favor of journeying a little farther into my contention.

Did you see the size of that chicken?

So here’s how I break it down. There are “Great” movies and there are “Awesome” movies, and rarely the twain shall meet. Great movies tend to feature scenes at airports with hills of beans; on boats where centenarians throw away billion dollar diamonds, and in jails where inmates crawl through sewage on their way to Mexico… all great movie themes.

Awesome movies are a little different. First and foremost, they don’t have to be all that good. They often feature inexplicable plot shifts, character confusion, love interests that develop in less than two minutes and decisions made by the protagonists that will leave you scratching your head. More importantly, they always end the same way… with you feeling better that you watched it; usually for reasons that would leave you rambling if you tried to explain.

Is he any good?
He’s killed more people than smallpox.
Do you think he’s coming to surrender?

The most inarguable reason for “Young Guns” living in the palace of awesome is that it featured an all time cast; multiple members of the Sheen family, Lou Diamond Phillips, and Jack Bauer as badasses. Oh, and John Locke, Jack Palance, John Wayne’s son, and Chancellor Valorum all play high ranking officials! The clincher of course, the guy who is known as “that guy from all the chick flicks” played the part of “Dirty Steve”!!! Yes, the guy from such tampax classics as “My Best Friends Wedding,” and “The Wedding Date” played Dirty Steve (the one who died face down in a puddle of piss).

How come they ain’t killin us?
Cause we in the spirit world asshole, they can’t see us!

Another element of awesome movies, they always have scenes you can talk about forever. Those scenes don’t necessarily need to be complete or clear, just memorable. Try discussing “Young Guns” with someone and not enjoying yourself while discussing the Peyote scene, the outhouse scene and of course the final shootout. These are connected by a string of action sequences that keep you entertained long enough to forget that not much of what is going on makes all that much sense.

Many nights my friend… many nights I pressed a blade against your neck while you slept. Glad I never killed you.

So what makes “Young Guns” all that special? The fact that it was exactly what you wanted it to be. If you were going to see it there was a reason, there was a visceral reactions you hoped to get, and it delivered exactly what was promised. It did not try to be anything it wasn’t, and it did not lose sight of its identity midway through and transition to a drama or romantic comedy. It was awesome.

You’re the bandit that eats children and old people
I eat meat and potatoes

Some other considerations for “Awesome” movies include “Navy Seals,” “Lethal Weapon,” “Beverly Hills Cop,” “Bad Boys” and “Top Gun” to name a few. I realize it may seem that “Awesome” is code for “Hopelessly Cheesy Machismo” but bear with me and I will break down someday why “Rambo,” “Total Recall” and other similar movies don’t qualify. The most recent modern day “Awesome Movie” would be “the Expedables” which was 100 times better than it ever should have been. Until next time…

Fare Thee Well